About Making Parent/Teen Contracts
Home - Schools By State -
Last week I talked about the need for teamwork between the parents of troubled teens and the importance of reaching agreement on behavioral priorities and logical consequences. I thought that this week it might be helpful to explain a bit about a very useful tool known as a Parent/Teen Contract.
Behavior Contracts come in many forms to fit a variety of needs. The organization SADD has a contract to help Teens avoid the pressures of drunk driving by placing the priority on getting home safely. Various educational organizations are now using Teacher/Student behavior contracts to assist Teachers in outlining the rules of class behavior and academic performance. Parenting organizations offer a variety of home contracts for children at all age levels.
There are several sites on the internet which can give you an automated contract, however, these do not always take into consideration the behaviors of the seriously troubled teenager. At http://www.help4teens.com/Relationships/... you will find a good example of a Parent/Teen contract, but you should use this example as your outline only. Only you know the needs of your family. Your contract should reflect the behaviors and consequences you and your spouse have agreed upon.
Another good outline for a Parent/Teen Contract is almost any Lease Agreement. Your teen is demanding all the rights and priveleges of adulthood right? Well, I don't know about you all, but as an adult I have to pay bills, pay rent or a house note, I have to take care of the property, and I cannot harrass or disturb my neighbors. These are the rules you find in Lease Agreements.
I suggest using an outline because you want your contract to look as professional as any other legal agreement your child will be asked to sign in his/her adult life. If I had it to do over again I'd have the darned thing Notarized at the courthouse too, just to impress upon my troubled teen the seriousness of the document.
Think about the consequences, do not just assign restrictions. If someone renting an apartment destroys the property they pay a monitary fine. If your child has no job, he/she can work off the damages at minimum wage. If your child refuses to work off the restrictions, you may consider selling their personal property to cover the damages, a music tape or two that you find particularly annoying might be just about enough to cover the cost of a wall patch. Make counseling for anger management part of your contract if your child is destructive or abusive. Do not use counseling as a consequence, but rather a behavior to be rewarded with continued residence in your home.
If your child is over 18, however, the situation is slightly different. Contracts with teens over the age of 18 can also include the possibility of eviction. Evicting your child is what you are striving to avoid by helping him/her learn to modify their behaviors. However, some teens refuse to be helped. There may come a time when eviction is the only way teach them how to be adults. Eviction should never be used as a punishment. Finding another place to live is the choice a teen makes when he/she chooses to continue destructive, violent, or abusive behaviors in your home.
Your Parent/Teen Contract should always stress the fact that the choices your child makes are what will cause the consequences. Phrases like "should you choose" and "If you decide" should preface each consequence. In this way, you are teaching your child that life is about the decisions we make every day.
Do not offer bribes or treats for good behaviors. This is not puppy training, the only "Scooby snack" you need to offer an 18 year old is continued room and board. As an adult how often are we rewarded for not cursing out the boss? Our reward is only that we can continue drawing a paycheck.
Be supportive but firm. If your child "chooses" or "decides" not to abide by the contract, respect that choice, ask your teen to clarify their decision "Okay, let's look at the contract. Hmm.. you are choosing to continue violating this section? Alright, then you understand that this is the consequence for that decision written here?". Then be firm in the consequences. Both you and your spouse have copies of the contract, there should be no room for manipulation or argument.
Do not lose sight of your goal. We are trying to teach our children how to survive to and through adulthood. We want them to be happy and successful at what ever they choose to do. We are not in a contest for control as much as we are in a contest to save our children's lives. By instituting a family contract you are helping to lead your child into adulthood by giving them sound skills in managing their own apartment, their own career, and their own relationships.
More Articles: