Moms And Daughters
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Talk to us about the motivation behind writing a book on "everything" about the mother/daughter relationship.

It's a daunting title! I really wanted to call it The Dummy's Book for Parenting because I feel that's probably a more accurate description. We couldn't cover absolutely everything, but we tried to cover the big questions that I had as I was raising my own daughter (I have four children; three sons and one daughter) and the questions that I hear constantly from other moms that I talk to.

So, it was designed to be a book that would connect with mothers on several different levels?

Absolutely. I always try to write a book that I would want to read. What was fun about this book was I put myself in the mind of the average mom of a teenage girl who was short on time, short on patience, and decided that what I would try to do was incorporate as much humor and vulnerability as possible. There's lots of storytelling to get the moms into each chapter and then I added "popcorn" things that are helpful.

When you reach into a bag of popcorn, you can always grab up a handful of something interesting and good. It's the same thing with this book; you can reach in at any place at any point in the book and pick up a fun idea or ten hints or a creative takeaway or a little bible study.

The first chapter of the book gives moms ways to develop a lasting bond with their daughter. Talk to moms who have teenage daughters in the home. How can they stay bonded with a daughter who is so often non-adhesive and even prickly at times?

There is a page in this book called "9 Ways to Make Your Daughter Feel Loved." The purpose is to strengthen your connection with her. One way listed there is to just give her the gift of your presence; so often I would find that my children would show up at my elbow generally when I was engrossed in something else. It took a lot of focusing to let go of what I was doing and look them in the eye and change gears, but it's so important!

Most of our time with our kids is really on their schedule, especially when they're teenagers. When they show up, I really feel like it's our job as moms as often as possible to put down what we're doing and be there; you'll never regret doing that.

The other thing I learned from my mom is to speak to kids with kindness and respect. She would often tell us to treat our family like guests and guests like family. It's easy to get into a pattern where you're nitpicking at each other just because you're familiar. Every once in a while, I'd just have to stop, back off, and renegotiate the way we treated each other.

I think it's important to ask your daughter's opinion; this can easily turn into bonding moments. They might be small things, but it means a lot to a teenage girl as she's transitioning from a child to a woman. So, periodically stop and ask something as simple as, "Hey, would you come here and taste this soup? You have such a great cooking instinct, and I need to know if it needs more salt or garlic. What do you think?" Or, you could ask, "What do you think about this dress?" The more we ask our children their opinions, the more we invite them into the world of adulthood.

Therapists say that kids who come from the most functional homes are allowed to express any feeling that he or she has. That needs to be taught and contained; you have to show them how to express feelings without destroying a relationship. A feeling is a feeling. To allow your children to express them - whether it's anger, disgust, or whatever it happens to be - is so important; it will save them time in a therapist's chair later on!

You have raised a daughter. How has staying bonded with her through the teen years paid off now that she is an adult?

As a matter of fact, she has become my assistant in my own business. What is so funny is one of the things I encouraged my daughter in as she was growing up was her own specialness. She has skills that I will never have, and I always encouraged that in her. One of them is organization; she happens to be naturally organized. She married last year, and I hired her as my personal assistant about three months ago. After a week she called me and said, "Mom, I'm glad to work for you, but I think I'm going to have to fire you because I can't stay organized with you in the business!"

One of the ways we've stayed bonded is our friendship through the years; it grows over time and it's gradual. There was one particular summer where we could tell she was heading in the wrong direction. My husband and I agreed that something had to be done, so I told her she wasn't going to be allowed to date for the summer, but that I would be there and become her best friend. I didn't say it in terms of her being grounded and going to her room, but I really meant it that she and I were going to become best buddies. We spent a lot of time together doing fun things because she couldn't do anything else unless I was along for the ride!

It turned out to be a summer that turned her life around; she decided to go on a hiking trip with a youth group in Colorado. She did not know a soul, but she was so desperate to get away from mom at the end of the summer that she decided to go! She went up that mountain a solid teenager and came down that mountain a grown woman.

I don't really know all that transpired; I just know that the whole summer was a turn around for Rachel. She found the Lord, she found her self-confidence, she moved past the shyness she had had about meeting new people, and she and I bonded. Ever since that summer, we have become more and more close friends.

How do parents - especially moms - help their teen daughters live a balance when it comes to self-esteem and body image?

That is probably the biggest issue women need to stress to their daughters, and it took up two chapters in my book! In one chapter, I focused on beauty at what price and I talked about anorexia and the way our girls view themselves. For example, to look like a typical teenage girl in a magazine, you'd have to be 1% of the population. This an example of how unrealistic the expectations are that girls put on themselves. In the second chapter, I wrote about beauty and about the fun of beauty. There is a balance; God gave us a wonderful desire as women to enjoy beautiful things, but there is a unique difference between enjoying beauty and being obsessed with it.

If I could sum up those two chapters in one quote, I would probably refer to a quote from the movie Little Women where the mother is combing her daughter's hair. She has five daughters, and she happens to be combing the hair of the one who is very beautiful. She says to her, "I only care what you think of yourself. If you feel that your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that's all you really are. Time diminishes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind; your humor, kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish."

It's truly the message of Proverbs 31: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised." Beauty is wonderful, we enjoy it, but it is that inner beauty of the quiet spirit that is comfortable with herself and her God that is really the most attractive and long lasting quality that will never fade.

Make-up or not to make-up? Pierce or not to pierce? Shorts or long pants? Spaghetti straps or long sleeves? How do we help moms navigate through all of this craziness in our culture today?

Oh, it's tough. I ended up basically narrowing it down to two things. If it was not modest, then I would step in and I would make my opinion count more than my daughter's; I would be the over-ruler. If it was just something that was kind of crazy or far-fetched but wasn't going to do permanent damage or wasn't immodest, I generally let my kids do it.

As a matter of fact, I was speaking at a conference this week and a lady came up to my book table and asked me if I remembered her. She said that we were in a beauty shop together and my son - who was about 14 at the time - wanted to dye the tips of his hair blue. She said she remembered me saying at the time, "Well, it will grow back. It's just for the summer; nobody sees him; it's just his hair."

That's really what I feel about things that are temporary styles. As a teenager, they're trying on new things all the time until they decide who they really are. Letting them express themselves freely, whether it be in clothing or slightly different hairstyles, I wouldn't go to major extremes. However, I would let my children express themselves as much as they could in their own unique way within the boundaries of modesty and common sense.

How have you and your husband dealt with the boy issue? Your daughter is married so you've been there and done that. There are so many approaches to this issue in the Christian community that many parents are struggling. What was your family's policy on this, and how did it work out?

I really admire so many different types of families and the way they look at this. I know there are many who embrace the I Kissed Dating Goodbye theory, and that's an examination worth looking at.

In our family, we put up a progressive dating policy. In junior high, they could only go on group outings or "dates" with a boy only if his mom, dad, or other family came along as well. From 15-16, we let them double date with another trusted couple. Our daughter had three brothers, and we really liked it if the other couple included one of her big brothers because we knew she would behave herself! Age 16+, we allowed them to go on car dates alone only if they had proven themselves trustworthy, and it needed to be with a "pre-interviewed" young man. This would be someone we had talked to, we knew his family, my husband and I had a conversation with him about how priceless and precious our daughter was, and we would talk to him about the importance of bringing her home on time.

Even then, though, it was allowed in gradual increments. We would have her go out on a lunch date first and then an early evening date. We really believe in rewarding our children with trust as they have proven themselves in just about everything in their lives. If they had done well and proven themselves trustworthy, we let go and gave them a little more slack. If they messed up and shown they're not mature enough yet, we pull back on the reigns a little bit until they're ready to go further.

We believe in a gradual dating style just the same way that you would let your child learn to drive the car. First they drive close to home, and as they prove themselves, they're allowed to drive a little further and then a little further.

I love the "pre-interview" idea as a dad; I'd love to see some good material on that.

As a matter of fact, my kids still laugh at it. Scott literally did get his gun out and start cleaning it when one of Rachel's boyfriends came over! There is a really good book besides mine by Robert Wolgemuth called She Calls Me Daddy that is really the most clear and precise way of doing that interview that I've ever read. We referred to that book a lot.

To adolescents, friends are so important, and to adolescent girls, friends are essential - like water and oxygen! How do parents stay up with and have an influence on who their daughter's friends are?

I always feel like it's best to have your daughter and her friends close at hand. That means that your house may be the one that gets messed up the most, but that's okay because as long as you can keep an eye on your kids and their friends, the more you allow your place to be the place where they crash, party, and have fun, the more you get to know your daughter and her friends. I really think it's important that we embrace our children's friends. That is a ministry in and of itself because so many of the kids that your daughter may become friends with may not have a home where they feel like they can just relax and be themselves and they may not have godly influences.

There are several things that I list in the book that you can do to make your home more kid friendly. One of the things I was very grateful for in purchasing a new home was that it had a second story so we could put all the kid's mess and the teenage stuff upstairs. We could save our sanity down below while they were partying upstairs, yet we could still go back and forth and check on them real often. When my kids wanted to have a party, I rarely said no, but my rules were that I wasn't cleaning the house for the party, I'm not cleaning it up afterwards, and I'm not going to the grocery store to buy food for the party.

They had to totally take responsibility for it which made it easy for me, and we were able to do it often. They had a little system down; they would get their friends over and clean up the house, they worked within a budget to go and buy the groceries or bring home the pizza themselves, and they were responsible for the cleanup afterwards. It caused very little work and stress on me, and they could do it nearly every week.

What's the condition of your house today?!

It's getting better as the kids are moving out! The second story to our house doesn't even have stairs to it. We just recently added them, but most of the years that we were raising kids, we had a rock climbing wall instead with a rope and then a ladder so you can imagine the kind of craziness we had in our household!

You have a chapter in the book about the importance of helping daughters develop an appreciation for the classical arts. Talk to us about what you're telling moms here.

I have to admit that I didn't do very well at teaching my kids the classics. I took my daughter on her birthday to Barnes & Noble to pick out a classic book. We then planned on going to one of those froo-froo tea rooms and enjoying a nice lovely dinner. When we actually got to Dallas, she went into Barnes & Noble and picked out a couple of little magazines and was ready to go within five minutes. As we were heading to the tea room, she asked me if it was okay if we just went to McDonalds for Chicken McNuggets instead!

I was not the very best at fostering an appreciation for the classical arts, so I interviewed my friend who is immersed in the classical arts - from reading to literature to music, drama, dancing. She has one little girl, and because she was raised this way, she has raised her girls to love the classics. This is a topic I personally did not do as well on as I wanted to, so in the book you will read some of the suggestions that my friend made that have really made a difference.

I like the fact that you included a chapter on helping girls understand the importance of developing homemaking skills. Talk to moms about how important it is to help girls with this in spite of how incredibly they are before they leave home.

I was not particularly good at homemaking. My mother, however, was a classic wonderful homemaker and a wonderful cook. I invited her in to tell a little bit about teaching homemaking and how she would do it.

One of the things I do think is important and I did do this with my children was to let them cook often. Because I was such a bad cook, my children would often take over just for self preservation! I would give them the ingredients, a cook book, and I would let them go at it. Now, all four of them love to cook and know how to do it.

When a child feels needed, they know that it's not just that mom that is trying to be dictatorial, but mom really needs her help. There is an intrinsic motivation in a child that comes up and says, "I'm a part of the family; it won't function well without me; I am needed." That is a great feeling to give your kids.

Of course, the most important thing a mom can do for her daughter is to pass her faith on to her, and you address this in the book. What are you telling moms here?

The last chapter is called "God Things," and one of them that I think is important is to teach our daughters to have what I called "Eden Spots." This connects with your daughter and her natural desire for beauty and a place to get away. It's almost like the concept of having a room of your own, a spot of your own where you go and you meet the Lord.

I think if we make that place and that time beautiful and special, it becomes natural that a daughter would want to incorporate that into her life. I've always had "Eden Spots" sometimes on my porch swing, and sometimes out by the lake. In the winter, it's in my rocking chair, and my children know what that means. I have a tote bag and in it I have my Bible, a beautiful journal and a pen. I carry that tote bag with me to that Eden spot. I've taught my daughter to do the same thing.

As a matter of fact, one thing a mother could do to help her daughter enjoy her time with God is to with her create a little "Eden tote bag" and put the things in it that are beautiful and special that tell her that her heart is worth cultivating just like a garden that needs to be watered every day. As they learn to have that quiet time themselves, it becomes naturally addicting. You can help her to naturally want to be there because it's a joyful, refreshing, and nourishing time.

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