Respect Concerning Different Subjects
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Here is my advice. Take it or leave it, and feel free to leave comments.
I love my parents. I have a very close relationship with both my parents and my younger sister. Many of the things my parents did while raising us were right on the money. A few weren't. Take my advice or leave it, but here it is.
Sex and The Opposite Sex.
My parents were plenty frank about the business of sex. I was given a book as a child that explained just how things were done. It was also made clear the sex, before marriage, was in no way acceptable. I was taught to respect my body, and I do, but I was also taught that sex with someone you weren't married to was wrong. Period. End of story. I have friends who would go to their mother and talk about sex-related topics. I never did. I'm 25, and I still don't. I've been living with my boyfriend for a few months now, and I'm sure that they know that we don't sleep in separate beds. They like my boyfriend, so they tolerate it, but have made it clear to me that they do not approve.
What this has done is to create a gap between us that will never be breached. There are just some things I will never, ever discuss with my parents, and that is a shame- especially with my mother, who I love very much. I understand that she was raised this way and I understand why she feels the way she does. They are simply too strict and stubborn to realize that by raising me in this way, they have affected the way that I look at sex, and have put me in more than one uncomfortable position where I have felt that telling them "white lies" was a better idea than the truth. I hate lying, but sometimes honesty brings more ramifications than you are prepared to deal with.
What I would do is to also teach my children the facts. I will teach them to respect their bodies and the bodies of partners. I will teach them that sex is a responsibility- emotionally, physically and potentially financially. If you are ready to have sex, are you ready to have a child? You should be. I hope that when the day comes I will have children who will not necessarily wait for marriage, but who will wait until they are old enough to handle the situation, and are in a situation that is based on mutual love and respect. I hope that they will also feel comfortable talking to their father and me about it.
Curfews, Drinking and general Mayhem
My parents gave me a very strict curfew. By strict I mean that for every minute I was late, I would be grounded for a day. Think about it. That means that 15 minutes of post-curfew time was over two weeks of no fun. There were exceptions, of course. Because they were concerned about speeding to make curfew, if I was going to be late, I had to phone them, let them know exactly where I was, what the situation was and when I was expected home. This happened very rarely. If I was ever in a situation where alcohol and driving were an issue, I was to call them, regardless of time, and they would come and bring me and whoever else might need a lift home- no questions asked. I was never a partier in high school- I just didn't have the time for it, but the knowledge that this would be the case was wonderful. I should note here that in 5 years, 6 high school students were killed in alcohol related car accidents. More than one per year. There were only 200 kids in my graduating class- you do the math.
This system worked well for me. My parents always knew where I was, whom I was with and what time I would be home. There were exceptions, of course- late nights for dances and things of that nature, but they ran a tight ship, and I am glad that they did. There was never any question in my house about who made the rules, and breaking them wasn't really an option. I would raise my children in more or less the same manner. Drinking and driving is something I have no tolerance for, and should a child of mine ever attempt it, they can count on a total revocation of license and access to a car, serious grounding and major community service. Law enforcement would be easier on them than I would. You simply do not drink and drive.
Community Service
Speaking of community service, I was exposed to various charities at a young age, and work as a fundraiser today. Have your teenager pick something that they are passionate about- working at an animal shelter- doing town or beach clean-ups, mentoring a younger child, tutoring, serving food at a shelter- you name it. Children need to realize that there is a lot going on in the world, and unless they are proactive in doing something about it, they have no right to complain.
Seeing the World
I was fortunate in having parents who wanted me to see the world. For me this meant voice lessons, participation in an opera company at the age of 13, and numerous- countless trips to the museum, ballet, symphony and theater. When I was 15 I went to Spain for a week, when I was 17 I went for a month. My parents were fortunate to have been able to afford this, but even on the tightest budget, you should be able to attend museums for nothing or next to nothing, take out books and classical music tapes at the library and watch travel documentaries on public television. Encourage your kids to learn another language. Teach them the value of appreciating Beethoven, if not actually liking it.
Religion
My family is Catholic, my mother was once a devout Catholic who still believes the teachings, but doesn't go to church as often as she would like. I was a devout Catholic who now considers myself more spiritual than religious. We went to church every Sunday and on Holy days until my sister and I were both in our teens. Around the age of 16, I decided that it just wasn't for me. I felt like a hypocrite. I do believe in God, in Jesus, in Angels, in Heaven and Hell, in Doing Unto Others and all that Jazz. I also believe in ghosts, the possibility of reincarnation, of physic ability, of the power of sexual relations to bring you closer to someone you love and very possibly faeries.
I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin, I think that if your spouse is beating you, you should get the hell out no matter what you promised before God, because although "worse" covers a lot of ground, violence of any sort should not be part of the territory. I don't think it is anywhere even close to as easy to get into Hell as the Church would like for you to believe.
Bottom Line- I think that all the religions of the world have a little bit right, and a little bit wrong. In some cases more of one than another. I think it is important to raise your kids with religion, but to teach them about what others believe as well. My best friend is Jewish, and as children we would spend religious holidays together, and go to services together. Give your children the facts. Tell them what you believe, and why. Never, Ever speak in a disrespectful tone about any religion- even if you don't agree with the teachings of it, because chances are you don't know the whole story and are disagreeing ignorantly.
Your children will decide for themselves what they believe, which, correct me if I am wrong, is the point to begin with?
Finally, Love your kids no matter what. Hug them and kiss them even if they think it is "gross" and remember that they will make mistakes. They might make more than you did at their age, or less, but they will make them and you can only help that they learn from them... and try not to say "I told you so."
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